The Heavy Shield of Perfectionism

Written By Cadie Amalfi

Most of us have felt the pull of perfectionism at some point, the pressure to get it “just right”, the fear of falling short, the voice that says we should always be doing more. It can look like motivation, but it often feels heavy, relentless and isolating.

In my early 20s, perfectionism was my worldview, my swimming bowl.

What Is Perfectionism, Really? 

Unhelpful perfectionism is defined by psychologist Jennifer Kemp as: 

  • Setting extremely ambitious, inflexible benchmarks for your performance and raising these standards over time

  • Fearing failure or mistakes 

  • Experiencing self-criticism that leaves you never feeling good enough

  • Avoiding situations, places, or people to dodge the self-criticism that follows

  • Judging your self-worth based largely on achievement, and

  • Experiencing consequences of impossible standards but chasing them despite cost. 

I often hear perfectionists say: “I’m not a perfectionist because nothing is perfect. I can never quite make it!”  

Striving vs Perfectionism 

It is important not to confuse perfectionism with ambition, drive or striving.  

Striving feels hopeful, engaged, optimistic. The effort is chosen, satisfying, and goals feel achievable. Accomplishment brings pride and warmth. Perfectionism feels driven by dread and insecurity. Effort is sometimes forced, goals keep moving and achievement only brings a fleeting sense of relief before the pressure builds again. 

Over time, I have learned to tell the difference in my body. When I am stuck in perfectionism, finishing something gives me a big sigh of relief, the urgency is gone and I’m quick to message, “Look what I’ve done!”  But when I am striving, the feeling is pride. There’s a warmth in my chest, a slowing down and a desire to celebrate before looking for new inspiration. 

Have you noticed a difference in yourself? 

Perfectionism as Protection 

Like most behaviours, perfectionism has a function. It can be our hiding place, a defence mechanism. Somewhere along the way, you might have learned that it wasn’t safe to not be your best. 

Perfectionism tries to defend against pain and inadequacy, that deep sense of “not enough”. The message becomes: ‘If I stop working this hard, I’ll be left behind. I’ll be alone. Something bad will happen, I’ll be a failure’. And these can be painful thoughts and feelings.  

Wherever perfectionism shows up most strongly in your life is often the same place the insecurities or vulnerabilities feel most raw. That’s why I hesitate to “get rid” of perfectionism. If it’s there, it usually means fear, worry or overwhelm are there too. Your brain is trying to protect you. I have learned to listen to it instead of banishing it (I’ve tried).

“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
— Brene Brown

The Cost of Carrying It 

Heavy and perfectionism go hand in hand. You don’t often notice the weight you carry all the time. So why even bother loosening perfectionism’s grip? Because at its core, it disconnects us from ourselves and from others. 

People with high levels of perfectionism are often isolated and lonely. To connect, they may double down on perfectionistic behaviours, which sadly creates more distance. They might assume others are disappointed in them, be overly critical, or project impossible standards onto those around them. 

Connection is a fundamental human need. Pretending to always have the answers comes with a heavy, accumulative cost. What does it cost you? 

Decision Paralysis 

Here’s the paradox: perfectionists are often seen as decisive and tough. Yet nothing undoes perfectionism like an important decision in your life.

Should I move or stay? Take the job? Travel or save? Start thinking about kids? Go on a second date? What should I do with my career? 

Perfectionism craves certainty before action, but certainty rarely comes before we try. That’s when we get stuck in decision paralysis. The fear of making a mistake or choosing “wrong” can be paralysing, leaving us disconnected from what we actually want and need.

Often our bodies know the right direction before our minds catch up. Moving forward means shifting from “I must figure it all out first” to “I’ll create the right conditions to explore.” The best decision then isn’t the perfect one, it’s the most aligned one. And yes, it involves making a tonne of mistakes and committing to messy action (ugh, I know). 

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.”
— Anne Lamott.

The Voice of Self-Criticism 

My self-talk is usually kind, unless I think I have made a mistake, failed to reach a goal or done something silly. Then, the critic comes out. If you are a perfectionist, you likely know this voice well. Self-criticism shows up as shame, humiliation, sadness and pain. And when that pain arrives, the perfectionism shield rises again. More criticism, more perfectionism … hello Ferris wheel. 

Importantly, perfectionism usually isn’t born from within. It is reinforced externally long before it becomes an internal dialogue. Our families, schools, workplaces and wider culture often reward relentless achievement and “holding it all together”. In many ways, perfectionism is socially constructed. The world benefits from us keeping those standards impossibly high.

Which is why choosing to to step back and allow yourself to be fully human, is more than personal growth, it is an act of rebellion in a society that thrives when we push ourselves past our limits and show up courageously as ourselves, it gives permission for others to do the same.

“They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you that practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds... ”
— Wilt Chamberlain

So … What Do I Do? 

There isn’t one strategy or step-by-step hack that fixes perfectionism. (I know, frustrating for the lovers of strategy). Instead, the work is about understanding why perfectionism shows up, what thoughts and fears it protects you from and what small steps might help you loosen your grip. It involves slowing down and getting in touch with you, your values, beliefs, strengths and desires. If you don’t know who that is yet, what conditions would allow you to explore this? *Internal perfectionism screaming*

Beyond the confines of perfectionism lies the joy of giving yourself full permission to be human. When we loosen perfectionism’s grip, even just slightly, we make space for curiousity, connection and the grace to discover who we are without conditions.

On the other side of this struggle is not just relief, but the courage to live life as your wonderfully imperfect self.

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.”
— Tony Robbins.

You might like to start with these reflection questions …

  • If perfectionism is the armour we built to protect ourselves, where and when do you think it might have started for you?

  • What does perfectionism help you with? What are the benefits?

  • What might you dream your life looks like if there were no limits? 

  • When are the times you feel most energised, free and hopeful?

  • How do you usually respond when you make a mistake?

Cadie Amalfi